Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!  Pause. Bang!  He types as fast forward as he does back.  That is a starting point. Now the wizard tells the user what he is about to do, but when it doesn’t happen the way the novice expects, the wizards face is blank as stone.

Where does this stuff come from?  I wonder and I ponder, but no amount of logic can prevail against the worst, the words.  Blah blah blah says the inoccouous stuff that leaks from the walls.  It is reminicant of music, but not quite.

So, there I was…sitting next to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and she farts.  Not a dainty whoops, but a big ugly frat-boy type fart.  No apologies needed, she turns to me and smiles. Then wrinkles her nose and waves her hand in front of her face.  “Wooh” she says.  A few seconds later I realize why she frowned so.  Wow!  In the moments until the noxious odor dissipates, I sat there stony faced with a goofy smile on my face wishing it had been merely a frat-boy fart.

I was looking for a boat on craigslist the other day.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but there was no limit to the beauty and crap out there – all overpriced.  What am I looking for?  Well, I’d like something to bop around the local waterways.  I am not in a hurry.  You may recall that I had a small taste of nautical life when I got that inflatible kayak a couple years ago.  No way to turn it.  I was always careful to fill it using the little air pump I attached to my car’s cigarette lighter. Invariably during summer – the only time I used the thing – it would deflate 10% as soon as it hit the water.    Chris, my nephew-in-law, borrowed it one time, but the water was a mile from the car.   He used the foot-pump to get that sucker filled and lo – when he dipped it into the water it didn’t pucker and dip.  I adopted a new overfill attitude from that moment on.  But it really didn’t last.  The season was over.  By the next year I knew exactly what to do.  When I arrived at the campsite, I went about turning the yurt into my little home-away-from-home.  That accomplished within minutes,  I pulled my kayak bag from the back of the car.  No need to use the car pump.  I was on vacation, therefore I needed to get green and natural and healty and anti-city, so I pumped using the foot pump I kept for emergencies.  Whoosh – whoosh – whoosh.  I know, you are expecting a  “and then it burst on me” type ending.  Nope.  It filled fine and I put it on the side of the yurt to wait until we all went to the lake.  Vacations and gin and tonic being what they are, I didn’t go near the water for two days.  On that third day, in preparation for a nice water outing, I collected the foot pump, water sneakers, paddle and life-vest.  Next was to bring the kayak into the open so I could use it as a basket for my trip to the water. Yup – flat.    Just the bottom, but that is where the stability was.    So, now I think I need a new way around.  I saw a canoe for $400 – see about the price of a new one.  I thought if I got one of those little electric outboards I could putter anywhere.  So much for green, natural healthy and anti-city.  Vacation is over.